Sorry my friends, this isn’t a fun one nor easy one to write:
With all the back and forth around this political and social discord in this country, I’m simply not trying to jump on the #MeToo bandwagon nor take away from other women who have been more sexually abused than I was. However, I feel the need to share my own experience and opinion with what is horribly wrong in our society.
I have struggled over the years on and off with what happened with me over 25 years ago when I lived as a young single woman in Chicago. I currently live in the rather conservative town of Cincinnati with kids in Catholic schools (although I am not Catholic) I was been never encouraged (rather discouraged) to share my story but I feel like I finally need to. I have always considered myself a consummate professional in my business and sexually very responsible and moral. So why me?
When I was 23 I was living in downtown Chicago and besides a demanding sales and marketing job, I was living a supposedly carefree life with lot of “girlfriend fun” on the weekends. One summer weekend in 1992 I was at one of the many outdoor street parties that were so inviting to younger adults. I ran into an old friend from Grand Rapids whom had asked me out in high school. In the the past, I had repeatedly declined for various reasons and found him a bit too “aggressive.” The interesting twist in this story was that; yes like many sexual assaulters we were technically long time old friends and our fathers were golfing buddies. Our fathers had even served consecutively as past president’s of our mutual country club.
Getting back to the point, I decided I was finally actually interested in this guy so we talked, hung out, and yes innocently flirted for most of the evening. The evening progressed and he invited me back to his apartment to “hang out” and he mentioned that his roommate would not be there. Keep in mind that back then and even now, myself and none of my friends did not equate going back to a guy’s place as permission to have sex, but given what we now know even more, I would never permit my daughter or recommend my single friends to do the same.
At this point it was probably around 10 or so at night when he and I arrived at his apartment. He quickly suggested that we hang out in his bedroom. Before I knew it he was aggressively stripping off my clothes including my underwear. While I had assumed we’d be innocently kissing and cuddling, this was not at all what I had intended. Bill ripped off his clothes as well as I shouted NO!! over and over. I tried pushing him off and I squirmed as hard as I humanly could but he still pushed his erect penis in to me. I started to cry incessantly while telling him this was not what I ever wanted and finally he stopped. The reality was while he didn’t “finish the deal” I know now I was raped. Honestly, I believe the only reason he stopped (and of course he complained that he stopped) was because of our family’s relationship. He was a tall strong former Big 10 swimmer from Notre Dame after all. He could have easily kept going if he had chosen to.
I immediately got up, put my clothes on, and got home hailing the nearest cab. The whole incident had pretty much sobered me up to the point where I couldn’t sleep and I was rattled the rest of the weekend. I was confused how this person whom I had actually thought I could date, whom I’d grown up knowing, would do this to me.
The following Monday evening, Bill showed up at my door step. He told me he needed closure and forgiveness from the other night saying “You don’t think I actually tried to rape you do you?” I responded “Yes, you did” and slammed the door in his face with him resisting. I was terrified again of this much physically stronger, large male.
So I went on with my business over the years burying this incident in my psyche thinking that he “attempted to rape” me but was unsuccessful. The reality was that he DID rape me and over the course of this time I ran in to Bill in Chicago and once at our parent’s mutual country club in Grand Rapids. The shocking part was that not only did Bill try and talk to me but he made taunting condescending statements trying to get me to spar with him. He once even yelled and laughed at me across the room (with two “unknowing” girls at his side) at a mutual friend’s party. He said “Amy doesn’t like me, do you Amy?!” Like I was responsible? Once again, I was shaken, being abused and taken advantage of. And just like the recent Kavanaugh hearings, I too remember the laughter.
Ironically during those years in Chicago I also had the opportunity to travel with a fellow sales rep in my company who went to St. Mary’s College; Notre Dame’s sister school. As Bill had gone to Notre Dame himself (I might add he got in only because of swimming and his family money) I thought my co-worker might know him. She immediately told me how she hated him because he had reputation as a date raper in college and even assaulted her good friend by getting her drunk to the point of raping her while passed out. Her friend, who was also Catholic, was too scared to report it and ultimately got pregnant from the assault which resulted in an abortion. Just thinking about how many other women Bill had done this too as well, enraged me. I didn’t have the guts to go to the police at this point as time had passed and who was going to believe me, right? But I did go to my parents. I even told them if I ever saw Bill again, especially at our “prestigious” country club, I would publicly spill my story and knowledge of his other awful deeds just to embarrass him and make him stop. While they believed me, like so many parents in the 1990’s they had no idea what to do; so they did nothing. When the #MeToo Movement finally got started, I was at my angriest point I’d ever been in my life. I was also very angry with my deceased father for not doing or saying anything to Bill’s father as again they were “golfing buddies” and he didn’t want to make waves in the business and social community of Grand Rapids.
And to top if off years after my father unexpectedly passed, my mother finally told me later how upset my dad was about the situation; a fact he never expressed to me. Yes a bit too late Dad, but I have learned to forgive you only because you didn’t know better. I also found out Bill now lives in Kansas City and was working for his wife’s family company but was going through an ugly divorce brought on by domestic assault. Ironically the pattern continues.
So here we are today. During my realization of my still suppressed shame and anger last fall, I did reach out to Bill on Facebook and Linked In but purely for vengeful reasons. He immediately accepted my friend requests being the demented guy he is thinking we were going to be “pals” again. Once we connected I messaged him saying I never forgot what he did to me; he would rot in hell; and he’d be hearing from me. Of course Bill de-friended me immediately. My husband fully supported me but told me I should be careful as he was concerned about my safety, but I didn’t care. I wanted to scare and intimidate Bill just as he had done to me over and over. I was done with his intimidation and to be honest, I’m done with men that think forcing a women to have sex or any other sexual act is just “boys being boys”.
So I need to wrap this up. This story has taken much longer than I ever expected. When I heard the news of Christine Blasey Ford coming forth with her story about Brett Kavanaugh I was impressed with her candor and strength. I mean, why would a respected professional woman with a family put her privacy and safety on the line to lie about something so devastating in her life? To do the right thing I say! I’ve read too many articles saying it’s just a “he said; she said” scenario but I will tell you as a victim myself; I may not remember where I was exactly a week ago, a month ago, or a year ago but I can tell you exactly what happened to me that night in the summer of 1992. Why is it that so called “alpha” or “top” males have completey lost their jobs and even wives over allegations of sexual assault, but Brett Kavanaugh has been elevated to the highest court after a “credible” account from this one women or even more, attesting to him being a belligerent and aggressive drunk in his early years. So what if these incidents occurred many years ago? This is the highest position in our judicial system and to be honest, no allegations at all should have been tolerated when it comes to appointing a judge to the Supreme Court for life.
I spent a large part of last weekend feeling depressed for women kind, this country, and yet the anger still goes on for me. However, in writing this way too long blog, I’m purging my inner demons, my anger has subsided and if it helps even one survivor, it will have been more than worth the weeks and courage it took to write it. I’m tired of feeling anxious, angry, and sorry for myself. The reality is through the #MeToo Movement women are coming out with their stories but we have to keep pushing even harder to make it “normal” that women get treated equally and with the respect every person deserves. At 50, I want my beautiful spirited 13 year old daughter to live in a world of safety and fairness. I am so grateful now that I am married to a man that completely respects women, especially me, and is also committed to Women’s rights. I hope I can live long enough to see our first female President and the absence of men like Trump, Kavanaugh and finally, Bill Jackoboice.
