Sexual Abuse

It has been a little over a month since I posted my initial story about being sexually assaulted over 25 years ago, which took me weeks to write and honestly was completely overwhelming.  As I mentioned in my previous post, the Kavanaugh hearings in September finally pushed me over the edge to to tell my story but my own experience had been boiling over within me for my most of my adult life and I finally found the guts deep down to do what I knew what I had to do.  I distinctly remember pushing the “share” button that Tuesday night with my almost 1,000 friends on Facebook and then finally going to bed with my head swimming and waking up with my life never being the same.

However, the truth is, that while my life was completely changed by publicly “outing” my somewhat graphic detailed story where I named my assaulter, the response I received from family, friends, employees, and clients (both female AND male) was and still is overwhelming positive.  I woke up the next morning terrified to even look at my phone in fear of retributional comments, but instead read countless comments on facebook, private facebook messages, emails, phone calls and texts from friends and people I didn’t even know supporting my courage to come out with my experience.  Many of them shared similar stories of abuse themselves.  I was even told I was a hero by a few.  Several women told me that I had given them courage to start thinking about coming out and confronting their own assaulter themselves.  I also heard from both women and men thanking me for sharing my story so that they could in turn share their story with their own children in hopes that our next generation wouldn’t endure what myself and so many of us have.  For all of this, I am eternally grateful.

The truth is, I don’t feel like a hero (my husband tells me I am but it’s hard to accept it even from him).  I’m just an average person wanting to simply do what is right.  While I know I’ve always been considered an outwardly strong personality who hates the idea of backing away from what she believes in, I was completely scared yet truly felt I had to do what I did, despite any potential backlash.  There are so many women and men that have been sexually assaulted and abused, that while my story may pale in comparison with their’s, my goal was to help give us all a voice and I know even more now that we are all not alone.  I recall that day of the Kavanaugh hearings on Friday, September 28th (yes, I was in bed watching and re-cooping from my big 5-0 colonoscopy) when Brooke Burke of CNN tearfully discussed what she believed was that 1 out of 6 women have or will be have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime; I have to respectfully disagree.  From what I have heard and seen, I believe these statistics are more like 1 in 4 if not greater.  Additionally, the women and men who are still silently harboring their abuse are still out there.

So in moving to more specifics of what transpired after my post; I received over 70  positive comments and countless “likes” directly on my Facebook page not to mention 6 public shares and God knows how many private shares.  I tried to keep up with responding as I appreciated this feedback so much.  The ensuing weekend was overwhelming with more and more private messages from people on Facebook wanting to share their negative thoughts about Bill, as well as, similar experiences they had had with other assaulters.  In addition, my story had gotten out in Kansas City where Bill Jackoboice currently lives.  Several women were contacting me telling me they knew Bill through their kids or as a neighbor and found him egotistical, entitled, racist, and misogynistic…..and just flat out creepy.  I even heard he was having martial problems with his second wife, of which my theory is he’s probably abusing her too (if she has not already wised up yet and left him like his first wife).  By far the most memorable Facebook message I received was from one Kansas City woman whom I’ve never even met who is a grandmother (she also confided she was abused at age 6 and has yet to come out about it) who had been watching Bill over the years as her grandchildren played sports with his kids.  She indicated that she had found him an “egotistical, narcissistic jerk”  and had witnessed him getting kicked out of many of little kids games, arising “warnings on many levels.”  Additionally, many of these Kansas City women also shared worry about the future well being of his kids, especially in his now blended family.  As a mother myself, I respect and feel for these children.

As the weekend of chaos in reading and responding to these comments and stories was ending, my mind was still swimming.   While the outing of my story was extremely cathartic, I went to bed that Sunday night feeling like I could do more.  In reality, I can right?  I am an established business owner with many connections in the media from appearing on television, right?  Or perhaps this was the empowerment I felt from my outage that helped, but also that Bill and other men (or women) like him simply needed to be stopped.  In the midst of this I should mention that within days I noticed that Bill had completely deleted his Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts.  I believe this is even more of an affirmation of his guilt and fear of being caught.  The only official social media account that was still up was his LinkedIn account for obvious reasons.  In addition, I noticed today that my story of the assault on Facebook comes up on the first to third page of Google depending upon how you search his full name.  So the next Monday morning alone in my private office I went on an internet hunt locating his work headquarters of Hub International as well as this large company’s head of HR and emailed her a consolidated description of my assault.  I also shared my own thoughts that as a person who owned her own business, I certainly wouldn’t tolerate that type of sociopathic behavior (past or present) from one of my own employees and hoped they’d do the same.  I know it sounds vindictive but the ball was now rolling and with what I knew even more about him now, I wanted him to lose his job just like all of his victims had lost their dignity.   The HR woman responded to me two days later in very legal terminology that she appreciated my email and that they were now officially conducting an official review on Bill Jackoboice.  I responded that I appreciated her actions and I looked forward to hearing from her.  However, she quickly emailed me the next day adding that it was a “private” investigation, which I found a bit troublesome. Finally after two weeks and a bit of prodding, I heard back.  The head of HR told me that they had concluded the investigation and within the 2 years Bill had been with the company, they had no evidence of criminal activity in his tenure there; hence they were taking no action.  I was of course disappointed and didn’t respond as I was still trying to get my head around the whole thing.  I finally responded to her last weekend saying that while I understood that legally her hands were tied, Hub International should know they have a “ticking time bomb” on their hands.  I may have lost this small battle…at least for now, but I have won the bigger picture and my story will never leave his file nor his life.  As one of my male friends and supporters said,  “karma is a bitch.”

So time when on and in the meanwhile I went on with my life and my very  demanding career.  I appeared on a local network about an interior design topic.  At this point I felt relieved about my Facebook post but again still wanted to do more.  I mentioned to the associate producer at this TV station afterwards that I wanted to present a deeper story that had nothing to do with interior design and was seen on the no “fluff “nightly news.  So I pitched the story!  They immediately indicated they wanted it and it went up the food chain; but unfortunately it stalled.  While I was disappointed at first, I realized that most local networks especially in the morning news, wanted happy, non-controversial segments.  The point is, I’m not giving up on publicizing this further even though it means putting myself and my story out there, it just takes time and I am in this fight for as long as it takes.  We all must keep fighting against sexual abuse.

Sorry this is another long blog post but yet again it’s too hard to condense.  I want all women and men to know that you are not alone in your painful experience of sexual abuse.  While it took me over 25 years to publicly talk about my own story it has been completely cathartic.  Giving birth to my two children and marrying my husband, Tom, have both been the most amazing things in my life but the most worthwhile humanitarian thing I have ever done is sharing my story. If my story helps just one person I have done my duty; which I feel I have…however the cause (and the solution) continues.  We need to talk about this issue which I have with my kids, as uncomfortable as that is.  If this has happened to you; I beg you, know that it is NOT your fault.  And please just tell one person, if not a therapist, a good friend, anyone you trust.  As one good male friend of mine with two younger girls told me; “If this ever happened to one of my girls, I can’t image what I’d do or how I’d feel, but I would insist that we get help immediately.”  That is so true today as no one who is a victim in the present nor in the past deserves this type of emotional punishment!

My own healing started before I published my blog on that Tuesday, October 9th.  When it came up with my therapist last fall, she suggested that I channel my negative energy into a charitable causes for abused women.  I soon registered to volunteer for Women Helping Women but at the time the wait list was long due to people embracing the #MeToo movement.  Additionally as a full-time working mom,  I just couldn’t fulfill the 40 hour a month training obligation.  However, I finally did reach out the the local YWCA and they have contacted me about conducting art classes for victims in their abused women’s shelter which is an honor that I look forward to doing.

I don’t mean to make this post a political one, but while I was hoping the Democrats would sweep both the House and the Senate for many reasons, we have to look at this outcome as a step going forward from where we are coming from.  To be honest, as a child I came from a family that was very Republican but that has all changed now.  I simply want what is right in life regardless of one’s political party.  It’s not that I’m against all Republicans, I’m just disillusioned with our current administration; specifically Donald Trump and his treatment of women and all other minorities.

In closing, this Cincinnista web-site and the blog I started 4 years ago was initially oriented toward women being “Fabulous Over 40.” While then I was in my later forties and coming out of a difficult divorce, my initial goal was to search out the fun, unique, and beautiful things to be found in this town.  However while people might think I have this ultimate life as a woman in a so called “glamorous” business who dresses stylishly, drives a nice car, and looks pretty good for her age…my life is far from perfect.   To my core, I run much deeper than that.  I have the typical (and some atypical) family issues, I am often critical of my looks, I deal with chronic insomnia, I frequently feel overwhelmed with being a mother, I wish I made more money as a business owner, and I struggle with getting older.  However now as a very happily remarried woman in tune with the realities of life through my own personal experiences as well as my friends experiences, I am committed to making this web-site more focused on women’s issues, charity, and the deeper experiences of a woman who is now 50.  Not that 50 isn’t fabulous; 50 is fabulous. But knowing who you are and not afraid to show your imperfections and experiences is even more fabulous.  I am with each and every one of you and look forward to engaging with all of you over all types of subjects. My support is unwavering I am not just a survivor but SURVIVOR with a CAUSE..

Please share:

Sorry my friends, this isn’t a fun one nor easy one to write:

With all the back and forth around this political and social discord in this country,  I’m simply not trying to jump on the #MeToo bandwagon nor take away from other women who have been more sexually abused than I was.  However,  I feel the need to share my own experience and opinion with what is horribly wrong in our society.

I have struggled over the years on and off with what happened with me over 25 years ago when I lived as a young single woman in Chicago.   I currently live in the rather conservative town of Cincinnati with kids in Catholic schools (although I am not Catholic)  I was been never encouraged (rather discouraged) to share my story but I feel like I finally need to.  I have always considered myself a consummate professional in my business and sexually very responsible and moral.   So why me?

When I was 23 I was living in downtown Chicago and besides a demanding sales and marketing job, I was living a supposedly carefree life with lot of “girlfriend fun” on the weekends. One summer weekend in 1992 I was at one of the many outdoor street parties that were so inviting to younger adults. I ran into an old friend from  Grand Rapids whom had asked me out in high school.   In the the past, I had repeatedly declined for various reasons and found him a bit too “aggressive.”  The interesting twist in this story was that; yes like many sexual assaulters we were technically long time old friends and our fathers were golfing buddies. Our fathers had even served consecutively as past president’s of our mutual country club.

Getting back to the point, I decided I was finally actually interested in this guy so we talked, hung out, and yes innocently flirted for most of the evening.  The evening progressed and he invited me back to his apartment to “hang out” and he mentioned  that his roommate would not be there. Keep in mind that back then and even now,  myself and none of my friends did not equate going back to a guy’s place as permission to have sex, but given what we now know even more, I would never permit my daughter or recommend my single friends to do the same.

At this point it was probably around 10 or so at night when he and I arrived at his apartment.  He quickly suggested that we hang out in his bedroom.  Before I knew it he was aggressively stripping off my clothes including my underwear.  While I had assumed we’d be innocently kissing and cuddling, this was not at all what I had intended.  Bill ripped off his clothes as well as I shouted NO!! over and over.  I tried pushing him off and I squirmed as hard as I humanly could but he still pushed his erect penis in to me.  I started to cry incessantly while telling him this was not what I ever wanted and finally he stopped.  The reality was while he didn’t “finish the deal”  I know now I was raped.  Honestly, I believe the only reason he stopped (and of course he complained that he stopped) was because of our family’s relationship.  He was a tall strong former Big 10 swimmer from Notre Dame after all.  He could have easily kept going if he had chosen to.

I immediately got up, put my clothes on, and got home hailing the nearest cab.  The whole incident had pretty much sobered me up to the point where I couldn’t sleep and I was rattled the rest of the weekend.  I was confused how this person whom I had actually thought I could date, whom I’d grown up knowing, would do this to me.

The following Monday evening,  Bill showed up at my door step. He told me he needed closure and forgiveness from the other night saying “You don’t think I actually tried to rape you do you?”  I responded “Yes, you did”  and slammed the door in his face with him resisting.  I was terrified again of this much physically stronger, large male.

So I went on with my business over the years burying this incident in my psyche thinking that he “attempted to rape” me but was unsuccessful.  The reality was that he DID rape me and over the course of this time I ran in to Bill in Chicago and once at our parent’s mutual country club in Grand Rapids.  The shocking part was that not only did Bill try and talk to me but he made taunting condescending statements trying to get me to spar with him.  He once even yelled and laughed at me across the room (with two “unknowing” girls at his side) at a mutual friend’s party.  He said “Amy doesn’t like me,  do you Amy?!”  Like I was responsible?  Once again, I was shaken, being abused and taken advantage of.  And just like the recent Kavanaugh hearings, I too remember the laughter.

Ironically during those years in Chicago I also had the opportunity to travel with a fellow sales rep in my company who went to St. Mary’s College; Notre Dame’s sister school. As Bill had gone to Notre Dame himself (I might add he got in only because of swimming and his family money)  I thought my co-worker might know him.  She immediately told me how she hated him because he had reputation as a date raper in college and even assaulted her good friend by getting her drunk to the point of raping her while passed out.  Her friend, who was also Catholic, was too scared to report it and ultimately got pregnant from the assault which resulted in an abortion.  Just thinking about how many other women Bill had done this too as well, enraged me.  I didn’t have the guts to go to the police at this point as time had passed and who was going to believe me, right?  But I did go to my parents.  I even told them if I ever saw Bill again, especially at our “prestigious” country club, I would publicly spill my story and knowledge of his other awful deeds just to embarrass him and make him stop.   While they believed me, like so many parents in the 1990’s they had no idea what to do; so they did nothing. When the #MeToo Movement finally got started, I was at my angriest point I’d ever been in my life.  I was also very angry with my deceased father for not doing or saying anything to Bill’s father as again they were “golfing buddies” and he didn’t want to make waves in the business and social community of Grand Rapids.

And to top if off years after my father unexpectedly passed, my mother finally told me later how upset my dad was about the situation; a fact he never expressed to me. Yes a bit too late Dad, but I have learned to forgive you only because you didn’t know better.  I also found out Bill now lives in Kansas City and was working for his wife’s family company but was going through an ugly divorce brought on by domestic assault.  Ironically the pattern continues.

So here we are today.  During my realization of my still suppressed shame and  anger last fall,  I did reach out to Bill on Facebook and Linked In but purely for vengeful reasons.  He immediately accepted my friend requests being the demented guy he is thinking we were going to be “pals” again.  Once we connected I messaged him saying I never forgot what he did to me; he would rot in hell; and he’d be hearing from me.  Of course Bill de-friended me immediately.  My husband fully supported me but told me I should be careful as he was concerned about my safety, but I didn’t care.  I wanted to scare and intimidate Bill just as he had done to me over and over.  I was done with his intimidation and to be honest, I’m done with men that think forcing a women to have sex or any other sexual act is just “boys being boys”.

So I need to wrap this up. This story has taken much longer than I ever expected. When I heard the news of Christine Blasey Ford coming forth with her story about Brett Kavanaugh I was impressed with her candor and strength.  I mean, why would a respected professional woman with a family put her privacy and safety on the line to lie about something so devastating in her life? To do the right thing I say!  I’ve read too many articles saying it’s just a “he said; she said” scenario but I will tell you as a victim myself; I may not remember where I was exactly a week ago, a month ago, or a year ago but I can tell you exactly what happened to me that night in the summer of 1992.  Why is it that so called “alpha” or “top” males  have completey lost their jobs and even wives over allegations of sexual assault, but Brett Kavanaugh has been elevated to the highest court after a “credible” account from this one women or even more, attesting to him being a belligerent and aggressive drunk in his early years.  So what if these incidents occurred many years ago?  This is the highest position in our judicial system and to be honest, no allegations at all should have been tolerated when it comes to appointing a judge to the Supreme Court for life.

I spent a large part of last weekend feeling depressed for women kind, this country, and yet the anger still goes on for me.  However, in writing this way too long blog, I’m purging my inner demons, my anger has subsided and if it helps even one survivor, it will have been more than worth the weeks and courage it took to write it.  I’m tired of feeling anxious, angry, and sorry for myself. The reality is through the #MeToo Movement women are coming out with their stories but we have to keep pushing even harder to make it “normal”  that women get treated equally and with the respect every person deserves. At 50, I want my beautiful spirited 13 year old daughter to live in a world of safety and fairness.  I am so grateful now that I am married to a man that completely respects women, especially me, and is also committed to Women’s rights.   I hope I can live long enough to see our first female President and the absence of men like Trump, Kavanaugh and finally, Bill Jackoboice.

Please share: