So a lot has ensued since my last serious blog post, and I know I promised to write something a little bit more “fun” this time. However, I feel the need to discuss what I see is a growing issue in my age group of women.
While it is the season of “giving,” shopping, great sales and holiday parties I know a lot of people out there this time of year who just simply feel alone. For myself when going through my divorce in 2013 (I had moved out and was living alone except for when I had my kids) it felt especially weird. I mean I was always used to a crazy holiday schedule with my ex’s family: large extended family parties, church, and big family dinners…..not to mention doing the Santa thing…especially with one child still believing in the “magic.” But this season was different. I didn’t have my children Christmas day due to our separation agreement, no boyfriend and hence no plans. It was my dear friend Pam who finally invited me over to her home for later Christmas Eve with her family (which thank God I spent the night as my heat in my apartment at the time even went out and the temperature was not even in the teens that night……and what company wants to fix a furnace late night on Christmas Eve, right?
Anyway, the point is that I was panicked about being alone, went to Pam’s and while still missing my kids ended up having a great time with her also “blended” family, many of whom I adore and have known for years. I slept the night (which ended up being smart after several cocktails) on an air mattress in her guest room and woke up knowing that I had survived being alone! I did wind up later that day doing a long Christmas lunch with my kids but they went soon back to their fathers.’
So my point in writing this is, while the holidays are stressful for obvious reasons, there are many other reasons that most of us don’t want to talk about. Before then, and even after the time my divorce was finalized in the spring of 2014 I again felt “alone” many times. I often found myself on weekends “without the kids” and “alone” kicking myself because I had made no official “girls night” plans. I suppose I was so busy throwing myself in to my business as I now was legally obligated to work even more than I ever had. But regardless, most of my married friends weren’t knocking my door down for non-existant couple nights and I simply had to make a new life for myself in many ways. My friends that were single were slim in numbers and also had their own lives.
So fast forward 6 months. I did my share of dating and yes, while I did try on-line dating and conventional dating, it was fun at times but a few of them were simply scary and others totally unsuitable. I always say I’m “lucky” to have found Tom so early after my divorce but one of my kind close friends later called it more like karma. Tom and I were already acquaintances from college, I’d even gone to his first wedding, (I know crazy!) and we already friends on Facebook; hence he reached out to me long distance from Colorado. While I thought nothing of it at first considering the distance, the communication grew and blossomed in to a full blown romance and commitment with him moving within a year back to Cincinnati ( where he is from and needed to be with my moving limitations.) We were married a little over a year later when we both felt the kids were comfortable with their mother remarried as well as their comfort level with Tom as a stepfather, which has only grown.
The point in giving you some background on my courtship with my now (and forever) husband is that while it was an amazing experience, it wasn’t easy for all of us to make the big changes (especially the kids) but more than worth it. Since then, I’ve had numerous friends and acquaintances actually reach out to me of all whom are unhappy in their marriage wanting advice on how to leave their husband needing the courage and names of good divorce attorneys. It was almost like I had become the poster child of a survivor (yes, once again) of a Happy Divorce.
But the reality is, there is no “happy divorce” and while so many of us don’t want to be alone, the reality is we have to learn to be alone despite the pain that it may cause us…at least for a while in time……like the Christmas Eve I was saved from and countless Saturday nights alone watching movies and drinking wine ALONE. While I want to tell my unhappily unmarried friends all will be easy and okay, I simply can’t guarantee it will be so. I can say personally, that while my ex and I still have a painful relationship, I’m SO much happier now in my new life than I was before. In fact, I know now that if I had stayed with my ex for all those years he wanted, we’d be one of the most obviously unhappy couples out there. This is in no disrespect to him nor my kids, but anyone that knows both of us well would certainly concur.
So when you think about “being alone” in your “bad relationship”, I ask you to think about this: Have you genuinely communicated and tried through therapy with your partner to resolve or even address your problems? If so, is it working? If not, why? If you find yourself continuing blaming yourself like I did (as I was convinced of that) is that the way you want to longterm live? Finally, are you being true to the kind of person you really are?…not just acting out a “role?” Marriage or partnership is about a mutual respect and compatibility in all ways and when then the thermometer keeps leaning hard in the “wrong” direction it is time to take a hard look and make a tough decision in your life even if it means pain and suffering throughout the process. But let’s face it: you’ve probably been suffering for years but too afraid to admit it to yourself, right? And by the way being “divorced” should not make you feel embarrassed. It’s what your have learned from it that ultimately completes you. And as far as being “alone”, while happily remarried, I finally realized last week after my very difficult previous posts, we are all ultimately alone. We are alone in our thoughts, our actions, and the results of our actions. In addition, we are responsible for taking care of ourselves both physically and emotionally (with certain exceptions I understand). I recall arbitrarily taking out much of my anger over my assault and other family issues out on my husband Tom over the last several months, and finally with his blunt honesty, I knew it needed to stop. Like I said in on this blog two months ago, I am done feeling sorry for myself and need to appreciate what I DO have and channel my energy in to ways to help other survivors: a privilege for which I am forever grateful.
Believe me when I say I neither condoning nor admonishing divorce or leaving your relationship (of course unless you are being physically harmed). That is ultimately your choice. But to live your life unhappily when again you aren’t being “true to yourself” is to me worse than being alone. Like the bumper stickers even say: “Life is too Short.” Happy Holidays to my fellow Cincinnistas. I wish you all the happiness in the world: Alone or Not Alone.
